A number of years ago, I was sitting in a packed room at a Chamber of Commerce networking event. In theory, it checked all the boxes for an interesting evening—engaged people, shared interests, and plenty of connection.
And yet, at one point, I caught myself scanning the room with a strange thought: Would anyone notice if I quietly slipped out? I was surrounded by people who were focused on promoting themselves rather than showing genuine interest in each other. I felt disengaged and depleted.
That memory has stuck with me because it revealed a feeling we don’t often admit to: it’s possible to be surrounded by people and still feel alone, like you don’t quite matter.
We talk a lot about the importance of connection—friendships, relationships, community—for good reason. Strong social ties are one of the most consistent predictors of health, happiness, and longevity. But emerging research adds an important layer to that conversation. Those benefits aren't just the result of being connected; you also have to feel that you matter within those connections.
Journalist and researcher Jennifer Breheny Wallace describes mattering as the feeling that:
- You are valued, and you add value to the world around you.
When those two pieces are in place, something powerful happens. We feel anchored, energized, and connected in a way that truly nourishes us.
And when those pieces are missing? That’s where we see loneliness, burnout, and anxiety, even in situations that look socially abundant from the outside.
Ms. Wallace breaks mattering down into four simple experiences:
- Your impact is recognized: You can see that what you do makes a difference.
- You’re relied on (but not too much): You feel needed—but not drained or taken for granted.
- You’re prioritized: Your needs, time, and presence feel important to others.
- You’re truly known: Not just seen—but understood, remembered, and cared about.
You can be in a busy workplace, an active family, or have a full social calendar—and still feel invisible if you’re not experiencing appreciation, contribution, prioritization, and genuine understanding.
The great thing about mattering is that it’s something you can shift, strengthen, and create once you pay attention to the experiences that feed the feeling.
Here's your Ultimate You challenge.
At the end of each day this week, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself:
1. When did I feel valued today?
(Who noticed me, included me, appreciated me, or showed they cared?)
2. How did I add value today?
(Where did I help, support, contribute, or make a difference—even in a small way?)
3. Where might I be able to add value tomorrow?
Write down at least one specific example of each.
For the first prompt, others might be valuing you more than you realize. Bringing their actions into your awareness can make a big difference in shifting how you feel.
And if you're not being valued as much as you'd like? Think about the people and places that make you feel good about yourself, and make a plan to get more of them in your life.
This simple reflection shifts you out of autopilot and trains your brain to notice the signs of mattering you’re already experiencing, and to identify where you can give and get more.
And here’s a bonus: Mattering is contagious. The more you create it for others, the more you start to feel it yourself.
In a world where it’s easier than ever to be in constant contact, yet harder than ever to feel significant, small moments of mattering can have a huge impact. They’re the building blocks of a life that feels connected in a meaningful and deeply human way.
In health and happiness,
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