I recently had the pleasure of catching up with a former client. She had made some pretty significant changes to her life while we were working together, and I was eager to hear how she was doing.
She was happy to share that she was continuing to be aware of where her old habits might kick in, and creating environments that supported her new habits. I was so happy for her. She had one complaint, though.
Even though her career is in a good place, she'd like to make some changes longer term. She'd noticed that even when she's relaxed and everything is going well, her mind-wandering went right to the negative, stress-inducing topic of worrying about future career moves.
"Why is my mind so negative?" she asked. "Why can't I just enjoy myself in the present without my mind wandering into all the issues I might have to face in the future?"
It’s an unfortunate truth that, when left to run on autopilot, our brain’s favorite pastime is wandering into negative territory. We replay that snarky comment from our boss, mentally gripe about our partner’s latest disappointment, or scold ourselves for the tortilla chips we swore we wouldn’t eat before dinner.
Our inner narrator loves to fill our minds with monologues about unfair situations, complaints about others, and personal attacks, or, as I sometimes call it, mental bitching.
The issue here is that this kind of thinking never leads anywhere good. The brain rarely takes a negative thought and turns it into something helpful. It doesn’t automatically say, “Oh, I must be feeling disconnected from my partner—how can I fix that?” or “Maybe I’ve been low on motivation at work—what could recharge me?”
Nope. Without intentional training, our mind’s default mode is to identify problems, not solutions. This isn't an indication that something's wrong with you, though. This "negativity bias" is actually protective.
Our brains evolved to scan for threats and store bad experiences more deeply than good ones. It's a survival tactic that made sense when we were dodging saber-toothed tigers. In modern life, though, that same negativity bias just keeps us simmering in low-grade frustration, judgment, anger, anxiety, and self-criticism.
Here's your Ultimate You challenge.
To live from your best self, you must consciously steer your attention away from its negative comfort zone and into the present moment, where awareness, possibility, creativity, and contentment live. Once you've snapped out of your mental bitching rut, you can choose where you'd like your thoughts to land - somewhere peaceful, productive, or uplifting.
Just like any other skill, recentering in the present becomes easier if you practice it when you don't need it. You don't practice a tennis serve during a match; you practice it at scheduled times when you can give it your full attention.
This week, let's practice building this skill with my 3-3-3 exercise:
Three times a day, for three days this week, take three slow, deep breaths. With each inhale, name something you see or hear.
For example:
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Inhale 1: “Sunlight on the floor.”
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Inhale 2: “Bird chirping outside.”
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Inhale 3: “My hands resting on the keyboard.”
Filling in some details will help you stay focused on your sensory experiences longer.
Even just for the length of three breaths, however, your mind will wander! When it does, simply name what it wandered to (“planning dinner,” “judging myself,” “thinking about email”) and gently return to your senses.
You'll forget about this without accountability, so make a chart for yourself so you can give yourself a star for each practice session. It also helps to anchor your practice sessions to other daily actions, such as before you get out of bed, check your email, or eat a meal.
When your mind defaults to complaint or self-criticism, it quietly shapes the tone of your day—and eventually, your life. Each time you practice catching and redirecting that thought stream, you’re rewiring your brain for clarity, calm, and control.
The more you practice, the faster your mind learns that peace is the new default. You can’t always choose your circumstances, but you can absolutely choose what gets your energy and attention.
This week, let presence be your superpower, three breaths at a time.
In health and happiness,
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